Do you remember the TV show Home Improvement? It ran for a number of years and was one of my favorites. It was a good family show with Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor. He had a signature grunt that I’m sure a few of the guys might remember.

I recently saw a repeat of an episode that really hit home with me. Tim and his wife Jill had decided that with 3 sons they were done having children. Jill and Tim were contemplating their choices for birth control. Jill was really worried about going back on the “pill” or having major surgery and was trying to get Tim to consider a vasectomy. At first Tim was pretty wary and thought that his manhood would suffer – not good for a tool man’s image. But as the episode unfolds, Tim discovers that his procedure had far less risk, a shorter recovery time, and would not hinder his sexual desires or function. What this secular TV show tried to depict was Tim’s deep love for his wife by saving her the risk of major surgery and the freedom that could be gained.

My wife Mary and I have been married for just over 7 years. We have two children, a son and a daughter, ages 4 and 2, with our third due in September. When I first saw that episode of Home Improvement 5 or 6 years ago, I had no problem with the message that they were putting forth. In fact, our thinking when we were engaged and during our first few years of marriage was very similar to the Taylor’s. Have two children, maybe 3 depending on the mix, and then stop. We even talked about a vasectomy as an option when we had the “ideal” family size. So, following my military training, we honed our “Plan”.

Mary took the pill during those early years until we decided to start trying to become pregnant with our first. After our son was born, we knew we wanted another child and instead of Mary going back on the pill, we relied on the condom on occasion.

Once we thought we had the right spacing, we began trying for another child. When our daughter was born, we thought that we had achieved our ideal family – 2 kids. One boy, one girl. Our dream was fulfilled and everything was perfect.

Fast forward to 21 months ago, our daughter was now 4 months old and it was time to start putting our plan into action when…… disaster struck.

My younger sister had two girls and had used the pill and the IUD for a few years after the birth of their second. During this time, she went to a church lecture on contraceptives. It was at this talk that she had an epiphany. Contraception no longer fit her Catholic life. She told her husband, a former Marine, that they needed to change their ways and begin using NFP. Frank was not a happy Marine. Like me, he had a “Plan”. The plan was good. They had both agreed on the plan, so why in the world change now?

My sister maintained her ground and finally convinced Frank to listen to Janet Smith’s Contraception, Why Not tape. Frank reluctantly agreed to find an NFP method and hear what the instructor had to say. He still was not convinced of the accuracy or reliability of NFP, but after a few meetings and reviewing the charting he began to change his mind.

So, where was the disaster you might ask? Well, you see my sister and my wife are good friends. They are also women, which means... they share things. And guys, I think you know what I mean. You would think that a former Navy pilot would have better situational awareness, but on a visit to my sister’s house I was ambushed. Frank, now a complete convert to NFP, could have been a spokesman. He was not shy about sharing his experience with me. He was happier now in their marriage than he had ever been. Their communication was improved and the romance was better.
I had a little trouble taking all of this in. My first thought was, “Frank, this is my sister you’re talking about. I don’t need to know any intimate details”. And secondly, why was he telling me all of this anyway? Later, I found out that my wife had a hand in the ambush. Betrayal.

NFP!! Isn’t that the unreliable rhythm method? I thought we didn’t want any more children! What about the “Plan”?

After a few months of discussion, Mary convinced me to at least look into NFP as an option. We looked into the Creighton Model – the method my sister was using. I listened to Janet Smith’s tape. I even began to flip through Christopher West’s book The Good News About Sex & Marriage. Mary had heard that this book was a great resource to explain the why’s behind church teaching. The book is laid out in a Q&A style which allows the reader to quickly find a certain topic. Wanting the bottom line first, I quickly saw that this was going to challenge my thoughts and ideas in regard to what was right and what was wrong and what felt good.

Fortunately, as I skipped from section to section, I was drawn to read the entire book and had a little change of heart. OK, OK, OK, I’ll give this NFP thing a try. What do we have to do?

The first month of training required complete abstinence in order to teach charting and improve communication between husband & wife regarding her cycle. Intimacy returned in the second month, but only on certain days. This was a big concern for me. I’m a pilot. My job has me out flying for half the month already. What if I was gone for half of those days that were “safe”? I soon discovered that as our confidence and proficiency in the method increased, the number of days that could be used for intimacy increased as well.

It took about four months for me to finally let go of my doubts and open up to the possibility that this something else might be better. I reread some of the material I had been given. I reread parts of Christopher West’s book. And I prayed. It was during this time that I had my own epiphany. The truth had been there all along and once I let go of my misconceptions I knew that there was no other moral option for me. Yes, the abstinence was a little inconvenient at first, but not difficult. The closeness that Mary and I shared during that time was AWESOME. It also created that honeymoon effect, which with my job seemed doubled.

Once I had untwisted my false beliefs and shed my rebellion against all of the “rules”, I found the true freedom that I had thought I had. I feel like a real man. A man that puts his wife’s health ahead of his own desires. A man whose desires are now in conformity with church teaching. A man who has God in his marriage. The rule of no contraception no longer applies, because I am the master of my desires. I no longer need that rule because I no longer have any desire to break it. And let me tell you, IT IS LIBERATING! The level of intimacy in our marriage is deeper and there is no “catholic guilt” nagging in the background.

Tim & Jill Taylor thought they had freedom, but all they really had was another set of constraints. They denied not only who they were as man and woman, but they also denied God a place in the most important aspect of their lives – their marriage!

I have gone from this way of thinking, to practicing & living NFP, and now to sharing my NFP experience…… just like my brother-in-law Frank.

By Mark


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